Vonnie’s breast augmentation journal
My name is Yvonne. I am a 38 year old mother of 2 nearly grown children, ages 18 and 20. I have always been very body conscious. When I was in junior high school, I became aware of my body and the slow pace at which it was developing. I also became aware of what I perceived as the “perfect body” and the fact that in order to achieve this I would have to diet and really work at it. I spent many years looking through the fashion magazines and wishing I too could look the way those models did with their curvaceous bodies (this was before the waif-like look was popular).
I finally came to the realization that no matter how much dieting and exercise I did, I would never have the womanly curves of the supermodels. I accepted this after several unhappy high school years of hiding while dressing in front of others and always using the private showers reserved for girls during their menses. I began a sort of self make-over in which I decided I would work with what I had. I began to pay more attention to my clothing and made sure that my outward appearance would present the confidence that I didn’t have inside. When I started getting compliments on my appearance, it gave me the self confidence to become more social, though I still suffered terribly inside with what I perceived as a less than perfect body.
I married and started having children young. My first child was born when I was 18 years old. When I was pregnant I finally was able to know what it was like to have full breasts. It was a wonderful, womanly feeling. I breast fed my daughter for 9 months. When I had to be away, I would pump my breasts to keep the milk flow up. When I had my son 2 1/2 years later, I breast fed him for over 6 months as well. After I stopped breastfeeding, my body began to return to its former self, however the breastfeeding had taken its toll. I had formally been a 34B (with help from padded bras) but now my breasts looked empty and deflated. There was never much tissue, but due to the heavy milk flow the skin had been stretched to a 36D and now they looked like near empty water balloons.
I would NEVER change my decision to breastfeed my babies. It was a beautiful and wonderful time of bonding that I can’t imagine not having, as well as the health benefits it had given to them. But, I was still the body conscious and vain person that I had always been, and now more than ever, I suffered with feelings of feminine inadequacy. I started hiding when dressing in front of my husband. I could never completely let myself go during lovemaking because I was always aware of how my breasts might look in this position or that one. I didn’t want to share my feelings with my husband because I didn’t want to bring attention to something I was already hiding from. Talking about it would just give validation to it. This went on for years. I became a pro at finding excuses for not undressing or being in a bikini around others. I also had a knack with clothes that would bring attention to my better qualities.
When I turned 28, I started looking into information about breast enhancement. Then I started talking about it with my husband and friends, mostly to get their reactions to it. Shortly after this was when all of the publicity surfaced about the possible problems associated with breast enhancement surgery and implants. I decided to wait until some of the tests were complete before getting more serious about it. Also, there was another concern. My mother had had breast cancer at age 33 and had had a mastectomy. There were some concerns raised about the ability to detect breast cancer with implants.
I waited.
I suffered.
I was ashamed of my body. My husband never ever gave me anything but love and encouragement about my physical appearance. He loved me for who I was inside as well as out. He loved my body as it was. But I didn’t. He didn’t discourage me from wanting breast augmentation surgery because he wanted me to be happy, but he made sure that I was aware that he loved me as I was. We weren’t in a position to fund such a surgery at the time, so I continued to read and learn what I could about the breast augmentation procedure. I tried to forget about it; but every time I looked in the mirror, I was reminded. In the meantime some acquaintances were having breast enlargement done. I saw the results and it made me want it that much more. They were beautiful. I didn’t want huge breasts. I just wanted full breasts. I wanted to feel like a woman.
At this point, I couldn’t even push those “empty sacks of skin” into padded push up bras because they were just skin. I became obsessed with the idea of breast augmentation. Through my research I learned that there were no facts supporting the claims of illnesses associated with breast augmentation. I also learned that you could still have mammograms and detect breast cancer with implants. The technicians would simply need to take a more inclusive set of films. I discussed all of this with my husband and my mother. We talked about all that the surgery would involve, and what the risks were. We decided that I would go to the same plastic surgeon that my mother went to for her breast reconstruction after her cancer, as he was very qualified and knew our family history.
We decided with his help that he would place the implant under the muscle due to my very thin skin and lack of tissue, as well as giving a better mammogram view. I told him that I wanted the end result to be a 36 full C. He agreed that this was a good size for my body. He told us that going under the muscle would be a more difficult recovery, however, in his opinion was worth the long term result. I told him that my biggest fear was capsular contraction. He recommended using smooth, round Mentor implants as he had had excellent long term results with them. I scheduled my surgery for 3 weeks from the date of my consultation. It would be on a Tuesday. It would be done in a private surgical suite in my plastic surgeon’s office. I planned to take 4 days off from work and return on the following Monday.
After my breast augmentation consultation, I went home and began searching the web for every bit of information I could find that I may have overlooked before. In my search, I came across the Breast Augmentation and Breast Implants Information Website by Nicole, an extremely informational and inclusive website put together by a 30-something mother of two like me who had longed for more information during her own inquiry into breast augmentation surgery. I found a support forum there that became invaluable to me as I awaited my surgery date. There was not only a wealth of breast augmentation information from others in various stages of pre/post breast surgery, but there were links to all sorts of information concerning breast implants.
Not only the positive side of breast augmentation was presented. Nicole’s breast augmentation website offered access to reports, other websites and even encouraged that you read the negative breast implant information presented by other sites. Her motto was “Research and educate yourself”. I engaged in conversation with others on her forum about things that I feared or needed the experience of others. The morning of my surgery, I felt I was truly ready. I knew what to expect and exactly what my plastic surgeon would be doing. He was extremely impressed with my knowledge of the breast enlargement procedure. Though he stated that he was computer illiterate, he requested the name of the website so that he could give it to other patients inquiring into breast augmentation, and said he wished all of his patients were as informed as I was.
My surgery was relatively easy, and I was put into what is referred to as “twilight sleep”. I only remember the first couple of minutes, though I must have been saying some pretty funny things because I do remember talking and having the surgical staff laugh in response. Two and one-half hours later the plastic surgery nurse was asking me to sit up and saying they were finished. When I asked how they looked, she said they were beautiful! I had brought the size 36C surgical bra with me as requested, and after I awoke, I remember feeling my breasts and asking “Why are there still wrinkles in my bra?” They laughed and said, “Don’t worry honey, you’re gonna love them. They’re perfect”.
I barely remember seeing my husband and the ride home, but my mom was sitting on my porch when I got there and said she saw 2 large mounds on my chest through the button down flannel shirt I had on while my husband helped me make it up the steps. He put me to bed. Within a couple of hours I began to feel an enormous amount of pressure on my chest — like somebody was sitting on me. Then the pain started to surface.
Oh the pain! I won’t sugar coat this and say it was a breeze. It hurt more than anything I had done. It hurt more than both of the c-sections I had had. I was given a strong narcotic, but still it hurt. My husband had to help me get up every time. I felt like a turtle on it’s back. I could do nothing. Later that evening I felt more alert and was under the influence of heavy pain meds. My husband helped me into the bathroom and I wanted to see! I lifted my shirt, and my surgical bra. I had had a crease incision so the only bandages I had were under each breast. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I had beautiful FULL breasts!
They were swollen of course. At first, I questioned whether I had gone too big. But they were beautiful! I had no bruising. My husband just smiled. The second day was difficult as well. I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I expected it so I wasn’t surprised. Also, it is much easier to know that after the pain passes, you are left with the most wonderful result. I knew I could endure anything as long as in the end I would feel like a whole woman.
On day three I went back to the plastic surgeon. He took off the small bandages over the incisions and said they look very, very nice. He said he felt certain that the end result would be just what I wanted. He said there was quite a bit of swelling still. He taught me how to massage my breasts and said that would help with my recovery. He also stated that some women felt very strongly that massaging the breasts would help prevent capsular contraction. I told him that I just didn’t feel great. That I still had pain but I hated the “groggy” feeling from the drugs. He told me that narcotics affect the head and mind so that you can tolerate the pain better, and though necessary in the beginning, over-the-counter drugs like Tylenol or Advil would be a good substitute now, controlling only the pain itself. He said that he felt that I could return to work on Monday if I felt up to it. He felt things were progressing as they should and that I could resume ALL normal activity within 3 weeks.
When I got home I took Advil when the pain again surfaced. I immediately started feeling better. On day four I woke up feeling GREAT! My husband took me shopping and WOW was that fun! We had a ball trying on all kinds of things and enjoying how great I looked in everything. On Saturday we drove to a campground where my mom was camping and spent the afternoon fishing. I was able to cast my own pole and felt really good. On Sunday my husband went golfing and I drove to the farmers market and bought flowers and then went home and spent the afternoon planting. Monday I went to work.
We took pictures each week thereafter to monitor my progress. My breasts settled into the perfect 36 full C that I had requested. I continued to be amazed at how different I felt physically. I feel like I finally blossomed into the woman I always wanted to be. At 36 years old I finally had the feminine curves I always longed for. I can wear a bikini or a tank top and feel great. I can dress in front of my husband and feel confident. I can make love to him without reserve and love the way I feel about myself. My husband loves the new me as well. Not for the way I look as much as for the way I respond and carry myself now.
The confidence that I feel is apparent now inside as well as out. It’s been two years now and every day I am thankful for the decision that I made. I have no regrets. I am sorry that I wasted so many years feeling inadequate. My mother was once again diagnosed with breast cancer last year. She is recovering from the effects of Chemotherapy. Our surgeon once again did reconstruction on her other breast. My grandmother also had breast cancer. My mother is secure in my decision to get implants because she knows how well informed I am. I went into my surgery armed with knowledge. I came out a more confident, secure woman. I am not a stripper, or porn star. I am just the mom next door who wanted to feel like a woman.
Vonnie